I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
