I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
