Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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