John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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