i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
it was like eating out sand paper
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
