i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize