I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
