I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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