You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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