Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
