remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
