he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
