$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
