it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
