Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
