Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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