its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
