I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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