Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
