I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
