i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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