I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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