It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
