I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
