If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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