I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize