i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
