i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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