i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
