Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
