You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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