what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
