Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
