I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
In America we eat man semen.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
