so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
