How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
