I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
