Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
