I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
