I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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