Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
