I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You are a genius and a whore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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