Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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