I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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