I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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