I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
