Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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