she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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