Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize