Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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