____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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