Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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