Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
