You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
