kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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