Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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