Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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